Sassis Blog

since I wrote in here. And the following post is mostly for me to remember just in case I will forget it and have to kick myself in the ass:

First thing:

Good friends are the most important things in life. I always believed in this but never actually were in dire need of them. Until this year. And I really appreciate of what they did for me. That they were there for me. Listened to the confused stuff when I couldn't sort things out for myself. Also kicked me in the ass when necessary (and it was necessary at a certain stage). Thank you guys !!!

Second thing:

There are things in life you have to deal with yourself. I mean, I'm quite used to dealing with things myself. But there are things, hard things (like the diagnosis of cancer) where you are truly alone. Of course you can refer to the first thing, but still...there is something left you have to deal with alone (or go crazy). Still working on this one though I'm seeing progress. But, and now I'm coming to the point: There is no reason you shall keep this from your friends or families. I tried it because I didn't want to hurt them or make them feel uncomfortable or whatever...maybe it was just to protect myself of being asked more questionsor hear more of the "poor girl" answers...but that really didn't work out. Mostly because so they didn't got the chance to understand why I reacted the way I did. Could've really been that I hurt people I care about because of that. In that case, I apology for that. Also, pretend to be feeling fine doesn't work. You are in a shitty mode...so what's the point of showing it? I tried to keep everyone comfortable around me and failed. On the one hand because I just am no good actor. On the other because this confusion inside you is sooo strong you sometimes just can't handle it and it breaks out. And thats when you get in a situation to really hurt people which was clearly not intended.

Third thing:

Take your time. It won't go away after a few weeks or even months. If you're lucky (such as I call myself) you're quite ok after 2 or 3 months. Still, it's there and not entirely finished. OK, you have good days (or even weeks) after a certain time but still it bites you in the ass when you expect it least. I always thought I was strong and be able to can handle whatever life brings me. I was wrong. To get the end of your being smashed in your face isn't something you put aside lightly. If someone can do this, I really admire him. 

Fourth thing:

Write down what you feel. At least when you are a person like me who likes to put his emotions aside. Will come over it and then everything is fine. Well, it isn't. Dealing with it for 3 months now I really wish I had done this earlier. Write it down somewhere so I can read it a week later and kick myself in the ass. Also, you question everything and everyone. Try to find out if the goals you had are still applying. Try to find new ones. But that all is a confused mess inside your head and if you don't write it down you'll forget one half and don't deal with the other. And then will be reminded by circumstance and most likely in situations you just can't need it. Not a good way as I see it now. 

Fifth thing:

You will change. You will never be the same person as before. Can't be. So welcome it. But still...be aware that you don't loose yourself in it. Not all has changed and it really doesn't hurt if you remind yourself that not all that was before is lost. A good friend told me on the phone: Really, now? I accompany you with this for some months now, and I know that things are different. But though you've changed you're still the same person. And I know you to be a strong one who can deal with things. You just have to grab them and sort them out. So just fucking do it. That was my turning point. That was the time I welcomed the change but wasn't lost in the self-pity anymore. Can't thank you enough for this one, Lars

I really hope I will keep in mind this post and follow it. Trying further to sort things out. Find my way back and also new ones. Find new goals in life cause I trashed the old ones. Redefine myself based on the experiences I made the last months. Still, can't be sure about it. Feeling quite shizophren these days. There is a part of me that wants to sink back into self-pity. Another part who wants to live on and at best forget I ever had it. And there is a third, little voice, who says that this perhaps has been a turning point and that I have to find new ways of life and most of all, appreciate these new ways. Sometimes this voice is like a whisper, somtimes its like a shout.